Stop Chasing Likeability: What Really Builds Effective Therapy Relationships.

“I want the client to like me or they won’t come back.”

Likeability is something many therapists strive for in their approach to building rapport with clients, especially in their early careers or on entry to private practice.

Therapists who get caught in the likeability trap often believe that if they can make their clients like them, they will continue in therapy. Client retention is important if we want to help people, but it can also be a necessity for student placement outcomes, accreditation processes and in order to make a living as a therapist in private practice. This can create an urgency behind the desire to be liked by a client.

Whenever a supervisee uses this kind of language, I provide the guidance I am going to share below.

Building rapport is important to establishing a therapeutic relationship. The therapeutic relationship is as we all know, what underpins success in therapy, regardless of the model.

However, desiring to be liked by the client can be problematic and is not essential to a good therapeutic relationship. In fact, it might even cause problems.

A good therapeutic relationship requires the client to be able to trust that you can honour their perspective, that you are steady enough to guide them, that you genuinely desire to help them and that you value them. They do not have to like you in order for them to form this kind of relationship with you.

It is human to want to be liked. As children, we have different experiences with being liked or not, the latter generally being a painful emotional experience, especially for children with a sensitive temperament. It is understandable that some therapists will struggle with the need to be liked more than others.

When we lead with the desire to be liked as a therapist, it be at odds with building a strong therapeutic alliance for the following reasons.

The problem of wanting clients to like you.

When we go into a first (or subsequent session) with the energy of wanting to be liked, we may appear to the client as anxious or insecure. Clients will pick up that we are seeking approval and it can dilute our authority as a helping professional.

At worst, some clients will use your desire to be liked against you, perceiving it as a weakness. This is especially the case in mandated care, forensic settings, clients involved in legal proceedings and clients with personality disorder or strong personality disorder traits. Pursuing likeability with these clients can lead to power struggles in which the therapist loses their role as the guide in the relationship.

But mostly, it’s problematic because it gives off a message to the client that we need something from the client. We are prioritising our need to be liked over the client’s need to for assistance.

Beyond the initial problem, lies this common dilemma. When therapists prioritise being liked by their clients, they often want to maintain that. This results in avoidance of challenging or empathically confronting clients in case they stop liking us or drop out of therapy. We then become less effective, or even ineffective, as a therapist because we aim to be pleasing over being genuinely helpful.

A question for you…

Something I ask my supervisees to consider is how important it has been for them to like their health care professionals. I invite you to ask yourself this question also.

On reflection, many supervisees note that they do not need to like the health care professional or to feel liked by the health care professional for the therapeutic relationship to be effective. What matters more is that they need to believe that the health care professional is competent, genuinely desires to help them, is fair and values them. Essentially, they must feel safe enough to work with them.

Sometimes they note that they did not especially like the health care professional in the beginning consultations, but in time, found them more likeable or very likeable. This is because trust is built over time, and some people’s quirks take a little time to get used to.

It has been my experience as a health consumer that there is often not a huge amount of choice or time to find someone you “like” who is also qualified to assist. I would never return to see someone I did not trust to help me but liking them doesn’t matter that much.

When we understand that the working relationship builds over time and does not have to be achieved immediately, it takes a lot of pressure off the therapist of that first session.

Small shifts to support building a healthy working alliance.

Here are some alternative goals to replace pursuing being liked in your early sessions with clients or when you are rapport building. I suggest you make these language shifts to help empower you as a therapist.

• I want to convey that I am genuinely interested in the client and their difficulties

• I want to demonstrate that I am here to help the client and that I care

• I want to convey that I respect the client’s perspective and experiences

• I want to convey that I believe that I can help them with their concerns

• I want to show the client that I am steady, reliable and genuinely care

• I want to build enough trust with the client so that we can form a working team

• I want to form a bond that allows us to work collaboratively that builds over time

• I want the client to feel “safe enough” to continue

For some therapists, using these mindset shifts will be enough to create change in their approach to building strong therapeutic alliances. If you’ve had a history marked by approval seeking and find yourself pursuing likeability over other positive therapist factors, you may wish to explore personal therapy to help shift these patterns.

In summary, a strong therapeutic relationship is built on trust, steadiness, and genuine helpfulness. We help our clients to feel safe enough to do the work. When therapists chase likeability, it can unintentionally signal insecurity, dilute authority, and make it harder to offer the kind of therapy clients need to grow.

Clients don’t stay in therapy because their therapist is pleasing; they return because they feel safe, understood, and guided by someone who isn’t afraid to hold the therapeutic frame. When you shift from seeking approval to cultivating grounded connection, your work becomes more effective, your boundaries clearer, and your sessions more impactful. If you’re ready to build a practice rooted in confidence, clinical clarity, and sustainable client retention, Thriving Therapist Formula will walk you step‑by‑step through the mindset, systems, and skills that help therapists thrive without performing for likeability.

Reference

Arnow, B. A., Steidtmann, D., Blasey, C., Manber, R., Constantino, M. J., Klein, D. N., Markowitz, J. C., Rothbaum, B. O., Thase, M. E., Fisher, A. J., & Kocsis, J. H. (2013). The relationship between the therapeutic alliance and treatment outcome in two distinct psychotherapies for chronic depression. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 81(4), 627–638. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0031530

Chui, H., Palma, B., Jackson, J. L., & Hill, C. E. (2020). Therapist–client agreement on helpful and wished-for experiences in psychotherapy: Associations with outcome. Journal of Counseling Psychology, 67(3), 349–360. https://doi.org/10.1037/cou0000393

Rivka Shir & Orya Tishby (2024) Therapy matchmaking: Patient-therapist match in personality traits and attachment style, Psychotherapy Research, 34:3, 353-365, DOI: 10.1080/10503307.2023.2195054

Tschuschke, V., Koemeda-Lutz, M., von Wyl, A. et al. The Impact of Clients’ and Therapists’ Characteristics on Therapeutic Alliance and Outcome. J Contemp Psychother 52, 145–154 (2022). https://doi.org/10.1007/s10879-021-09527-2